random musings

i had visions of grandeur, sitting in a cubicle just a few years ago, typing away for a young but growing company. a company who didn’t notice all the hard work, and even if someone had noticed, would offer no reward further than a longer job description. leading worship for a small church on weekends, a gathering or two during the week, and by day, a slave to the grind by my own design. some guys daydream of getting signed by the Yankees, or the Lakers – that one day phil jackson would be walking past this ragged court on his way to a lunch meeting with the next rising star, but he stops when he sees a lone guy out there practicing his game, become overwhelmed by ability and sheer determination, and sign the unknown kid right there. i dreamed of the day i got picked up by a church able to support my lease and a caffeine addiction. what does a worship leader do all day, anyway? sit on a couch with a guitar and pick out songs for sunday, right? maybe do a little reading here and there. maybe some writing. but i sat instead at my L-shaped desk staring at a screen.

now here i am, a worship pastor. pretty cool. the dream has come true. i’m blessed beyond measure to have the job i do. the freedom. seeing lives change, to the glory of God. and i get paid to do this! how incredible is that?! i finally have a window office – i sit in a coffee shop or a little Italian restaurant for hours each day, staring at my computer screen while a college girl tops off my sweet tea. but somehow it’s not what i envisioned, you know? not that i’m disillusioned – i’m blown away! it’s just different than i expected. so little of my time is comprised of sofas or guitars. so how is my reality different now than it was a few years ago? i play the guitar every weekend, but i did that before. i still sit at a computer all day and into the night; old habits die hard. granted, my office environment is a little more comfortable, and they play the latest from john mayer all day. but i think it goes deeper.

there is something within each of us that wants more. we refuse to be satisfied with routine. the grass is always greener, even now. it’s a natural, healthy desire – ‘tis ambition, and life without ambition would leave us stagnant. but there is also something to be said for contentment, right where i am. how freeing it would be to live life day to day with no expectations, just looking forward to the next handout of grace from God my Father. to constantly look to Him for all that i require, and to be less absorbed in what i wear or where i eat, and more absorbed in knowing my Savior. i don’t know, maybe my sitting here now typing away and sipping a frappucino with natalie merchant drowning the silence is a reward for my ambition. but maybe it’s not about my job satisfaction. maybe there really is nothing new under the sun, that each day, each era in life, has enough trouble of its own. that i didn’t leave my struggles at a secular office three hours down the highway. that each step i take is a step closer to realizing that with all life’s changes, life hasn’t really changed that much. just the scenery. may i not get so wrapped up in today that i neglect the future, but may i not be so concerned with the future that i become numb to today.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13You will seek me and find me. When you seek me with all your heart, 14I will be found by you, declares the LORD. (ESV)

Philippians 4:11 For I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. 12I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound: every where and in all things I am instructed both to be full and to be hungry, both to abound and to suffer need. 13I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (KJV)